UNDER THE FATHOMLESS DEPTHS OF THE BLUE SEA this version: is the printed Under the Fathomless Depths of the Blue Sea, 1st edition, version (spelling mistakes only may have been corrected). I.e., this is the most up-to-date version as of the present Electronic Edition. Publisher's Note The author was very young when he wrote this story. That's why, in spite of his unwillingness, we can't resist the temptation of printing such a humorous tale. The entire responsibility therefore devolves upon the publishers. UNDER THE FATHOMLESS DEPTHS OF THE BLUE SEA It was the same blue sea which is made of dreams and surrounded by memories..... That evening Tarun Kumar1 was sitting alone on its sandy shores. He was not counting the waves of the blue sea: he had no time for such trifling matters. Rather, he was wondering if he could drink all the water in a single gulp, like the sage Augustya2. If he could, it would be easier for him to catch a glimpse of the vast mysteries under the sea. But is such a thing possible? The sun was slowly setting...... The waters of the blue sea reddened for a while and then darkened again..... It was the dark fortnight of the waning moon..... After some time the black water could not be distinguished form the darkness all around..... People say..... this side of the blue sea is..... haunted by ghosts. Many children who go for a walk there after dark never return home again. 1. Tarun Kumar: A popular boys' name which literally means 'a young energetic man'. 2. Augustya: Medieval sage from northern India. According to mythology, he travelled to the Bindu Mountains and ordered them to bend their heads. This they did out of reverence for the sage, thus enabling the intellectuals, whose movement had been thwarted by the mountains, to travel to southern India. Would Tarun Kumar also not return.....? And what if he didn't? He would suffer the same fate as those other children..... What's that approaching him? A jet black figure. It is coming closer and closer. Tarun Kumar said, "Who are you, brother?" "I'm the chief ghost." Tarun asked, "Is there anything I can do for you? You should know that I'm a medical student. Things like dead bodies and skeletons don't frighten me at all. And anyway, I don't believe in ghosts." The ghost replied, "That may be, but you can see me, can't you?" Tarun replied, "This is nothing but an optical illusion." "Look here, Tarun," retorted the chief ghost, "it's no use arguing. I will do what I came to do. Other children would have fainted by now, but you are still conversing with me. I cannot but admire such strength of mind. However, I won't leave this place until I've frightened you." Tarun said, "This is going too far. My patience also has its limits, you know. You'd better leave this place honourably while you still have the chance. Otherwise it will be difficult for you to keep body and soul together." The chief ghost tried frightening Tarun by flashing his twenty-eight teeth. Tarun had no other choice. He started showering the ghost with blows, punches and slaps. The beating was so severe that he started bleeding profusely. He fell down on the sandy shore and groaned: he had lost twenty-two and a half teeth. It suddenly occurred to Tarun that he was going to be a doctor in the near future. Therefore, he tried to revive the chief ghost by fanning his head and sprinkling water on his face. He did everything he could, but was unable to bring him back to his senses. He even tried using cassia leaf, burnt chilli3 and smelling salts, but in vain. Finally, at about midnight, refreshed by the soothing touch of the cool sea-breeze, the chief ghost slowly opened his eyes, and said: "Tarun, you are indeed a citizen of the Kingdom of Light. That's why you've brought your enemy back to life. We, the citizens of the Kingdom of Darkness don't hesitate to take the life of even a faithful friend. You are truly great." Tarun asked, "Where is the Kingdom of Darkness, friend?" The chief ghost, happy to hear Tarun's sweet words, replied: "Our country is under the fathomless depths of yonder blue sea. Would you like to go there?" Tarun said, "Will you take me? If you will of course I'll go." 3. Cassia leaf and burnt chilli: substances which stimulate the nerves. The chief ghost replied, "I'm always ready to take you there. However, our country is infested with all types of creatures: ghosts, demons, goblins, witches, elves, hobgoblins and ghouls. If you attempt to enter that land in your body of human flesh and bones they will devour you. But I know what you can do. If you put this lemon lozenge between your teeth and lips you will become invisible. If you place it between your teeth and tongue you will again be visible. Tarun Kumar immediately took the lozenge and placed it between his teeth and lips. It was very tasty. In no time its juice had reached his stomach and.....at that very moment.... Tarun looked down at himself and saw.... my goodness...... his body had become completely invisible! Tarun hung onto the chief ghost's neck and journeyed..... to the bottom of the blue sea..... As they climbed down the sea-ladder...... shoals upon shoals of sharkfish, dolphins, octopuses, sea horses and whales were almost touching them. Oh, how dark it was..... The deeper they went, the darker it became. The people of the Kingdom of Light could never imagine such darkness. Everyone in this kingdom was blind. Even those who had eyes could not see. Then, slowly.....the shoals of sea-creatures dispersed. Finally they reached a land..... as yet unknown to the people of the Kingdom of Light. Tarun Kumar asked the chief ghost, "Is this the Kingdom of Ghosts? Is this the Kingdom of Darkness?" "Yes," he replied. "But the Kingdom of Ghosts is divided into three provinces. There was a time when all three were ruled by the same king. Now they have been split up. "Oh! "How vivid are my memories of the troubled days we endured at the time of that division. The founder of the Kingdom of Darkness.....was called..... 'Bhut'4! Bhut's son was called 'Kimbhut'5. And Kimbhut's son was called...'Adbhut'6. And he had three sons: 'Fear', 'Slumber' and 'Hypocrisy'. These three were locked in a blood bath over the partitioning of the kingdom. They fought over which village should be included in whose kingdom, which kitchen's oven.....should be on which side of the boundary line, which kingdom should get the muddy bed of a pond, and which kingdom its surface water. There was so much fighting. So much bloodshed. We all lost our lives in that battle and became ghosts. Little did we realise at the time that such bloody killing.....would do us no good." 4. Bhut: 'ghost' 5. Kimbhut: 'grotesque'. 6. Adbhut: 'very strange'. Tarun was deeply touched by the chief ghost's repentance, and said, "You have committed a great blunder. We are wiser; we never quarrel over land-division in the Kingdom of Light. Our kingdom is an integrated whole." The chief ghost announced, "Tarun Kumar, this part of the Kingdom of Darkness is called the 'Kingdom of Hypocrisy'." After walking a little way Tarun heard a lot of shouting and stopped in his tracks. He asked the chief ghost, "What's all that shouting about, friend?" The chief ghost replied, "The students have brought a 'no-confidence' motion against the teachers because those who failed the examination have not been promoted. But the motion wasn't passed due to sabotage by the promoted students. That's the cause of the uproar. Let's go and see what's happening." Tarun and the chief ghost entered the school. It's appearance was quite impressive, but in all other aspects it was desolate. They saw that the teacher had already started his class with the promoted students. They were all ghosts, like everybody in the Kingdom of Ghosts. Their ugly heads are turned backwards Their feet are twisted around By seeing their odd gestures One feels goose pimples all over They hunt their prey at midnight And snore during the day They gamble during the darkness of night And get scared at the sight of light. The teacher was delivering a speech in a loud voice, claiming that all the teachers in the school, excepting himself of course, were incompetent. He disclosed that the teachers of the headmaster's faction were maltreating the teachers of his own group. He also mentioned that all his private students got excellent results in their examinations; and many more things. Tarun Kumar wasn't over inspired by the teacher's speech. One thing he did appreciate, however, was his lucid explanation of the dangers of using intoxicating herbs. As soon as the class was over, Tarun followed the teacher back to the staff-room. There he saw him light a beedie, saying, "Ah, that's better". It is written in the ghost-scriptures that it is forbidden to touch fire. But the fire of the burning beedie* is not prohibited! Tarun returned to the school the next morning. He was surprised to see that the students were still attending meetings instead of classes. A self-styled leader was addressing them: "Dear friends, this is the age of democracy. Everyone has the right to enjoy the benefits of a democracy, haven't they? Then why should the students and common people of the Kingdom of Ghosts be deprived of this right? The teachers and guardians have been imposing dictatorial rule over you since time immemorial. How long will you tolerate this reign of terror? The only way to live a life worthy of a ghost is to embrace democracy. We must establish democracy in the fire of revolution and write its words boldly in letters of blood. * A type of cigarette made of dried tandoo leaves. "My dear friends, I anticipate your full support. Remember that I am always your friend, in every place: at meetings, in the universities, in the assembly, everywhere. I shall be delighted if you give me the honour of representing you. Today I propose that we save the neglected majority of our society. We students greatly outnumber the teachers, so let's raise our voice today and save democracy. We, the students, should take over the management of the school, set the question papers and mark the examination papers. Never again shall we tolerate the rule of the minority. "My dear friends...one more point. English may be a good language, and may claim considerable respect throughout the entire universe, but as I, and your other friends, don't know English very well, we must start an anti-English campaign. Whenever the teachers start lecturing in English you should protest by blocking your ears with your fingers." Tarun listened to the lecture attentively and then silently followed the leader to his house. His appearance belied the fact that he was a student. Sometime after their arrival the gentleman's children came home from the English-medium school where they were studying. Tarun heard them call their mother, 'mummy' and their father, 'daddy'. Tarun said to his companion, "Friend, what's going on here?" The chief ghost replied, "My dear brother, have you already forgotten the name of this kingdom? This is the Kingdom of Hypocrisy." That evening Tarun Kumar and the chief ghost decided to stay in the leader's house to observe his behaviour. You must have realised that he was not a man but a ghost, like all the others. His feet were twisted around like any other ghost. During the evening some visitors arrived at the house to conduct a secret meeting. Before starting they closed their eyes and chanted the name of 'bhut' ('ghost') with deep reverence and then smoked some intoxicating herbs. The first visitor said, "Sir, the speech you delivered today was truly unique and has created considerable agitation and unrest among the students." The second visitor said, "I've never heard such a speech before in my entire life. It will certainly ensure your election victory. Moreover, the students will organize your publicity campaign." The third visitor said, "I think we should have called the election by now to take advantage of the students' present sentiments." The leader said, "Don't worry about that. We shall organize a huge procession a few days before the election. After exciting the students with rousing speeches we shall put them with the ladies at the front of the procession. If the police start using force to control the unruly mob, we shall announce that our opponents have killed women. And even if the ladies flee away in fear of the police, all those students who were roused by my speech will remain. They will surely not run away. If one or two students die at the hands of the police, we shall raise the slogan that the police have killed innocent students. This slogan will help our work; the students will labour heartily for our cause." Tarun said to the chief ghost, "Friend, what are all these terrible things I'm hearing?" The chief ghost replied, "There's no need to be so alarmed. Always remember the name of this kingdom, brother, always keep it in mind." "We couldn't even imagine such atrocities in our Kingdom of Light," said Tarun. "By the way, those leader ghosts also have sons and daughters. Won't they also be killed by the bullets?" "Don't you know," said the chief ghost, "that those with children studying in schools and colleges would never excite the students in such a way. And even if they did, they would keep them safely at home." Tarun muttered, "Oh, I see..." The next day they followed one of the students home from the school. His father was well-educated and quite cultured. While talking with his son, he said, "Never take other people's belongings without asking. If you do, it's called stealing." Tarun Kumar and the chief ghost were both delighted to hear such strong moral teachings and decided to follow the gentleman to his office at the railway-station. On arriving there they saw an amazing thing. The gentleman started taking rice, salt, oil, mangoes, pulse, wax-gourds7 and other things from different sacks of different sizes. He did it in such a way that the seals were left unbroken. He sent all these things back to his house with one of the office boys. Tarun was astounded. "After forbidding his son to steal, he himself stole...But of course, this is the Kingdom of Hypocrisy." The gentleman (gentle ghost) went into his office and sat down. Tarun and the chief ghost stood behind him. A merchant came to pick up his goods. The gentleman said, "Come back later. I don't have any time now." The merchant replied, "But I need those goods today." "What can I do?" said the gentleman apologetically. "I'm alone here. I don't have 10 hands, you know, only two. I'm fed up with all this work." The merchant ghost said, "Here, take this 10 rupee note. It will make you feel better." 7. Wax-gourd: A tropical vegetable resembling a small pumpkin. The gentleman ghost retorted, "Obviously you don't realise just how depressed I am! Do you think that 10 rupees will make me all right? Are you trying to ridicule me? I don't accept bribes; I'm a pious man, you know. The merchant ghost slipped a fifty rupee note into his hand. Then the gentleman ghost got up and happily did the work. It was quite difficult for Tarun to endure this situation. He decided to report the incident to the police and set off to do so without further delay. When he reached the police station he met turmoil and chaos. Some illegal arms had been found in a house and the sub-inspector ghost was interrogating the owner with a threatening air: "Do you think this is a joke? Do you think the matter will end here? I know exactly how to deal with people like you: I'll hang you. This matter will be taken very seriously." Tarun was pleased to see the sub-inspector's devotion to duty and expected that he would pursue the matter to the end. After some time, when the crowd had lessened, a constable forcibly dragged the accused ghost to a secluded room and whispered: "You know, you've committed a crime. Therefore it would be advisable for you to satisfy the sub-inspector, just as any other intelligent person world." The accused ghost said, "Why should I do that? Those arms are not mine anyway. They were planted in my house by someone in the dead of night. I refuse to give a bribe." Just then, another fat ghost entered the private office of the sub-inspector ghost with a look of apprehension, gave an over-courteous salute showing his unquestioning loyalty, and said, "With your endless grace, sir, we can now deal with the scoundrel properly." "Yes, it can be done," said the sub-inspector gravely, "but it involves a lot of risk. Just last night we sent a man to his house to plant some arms and ammunition there. See what a great risk it was. Had the ghosts of that locality seen what was going on a scandal might have broken out. I might have even lost my job." The fat ghost thrust 750 rupees into the sub-inspector's hand. He in turn thrust a little money into the hand of one of his subordinates and put some money aside for a senior officer of higher rank. He went to a goldsmith's shop with the rest to have some ornaments made for his wife. After seeing this scene Tarun turned to the chief ghost in silent amazement. "My dear brother," said the chief ghost, "perhaps you have again forgotten the name of this kingdom..." Tarun then set out for the house of the head ghost's secretary to lodge a complaint against the sub-inspector ghost. On arriving he saw an unbelievably fat ghost sitting in front of the secretary. The chief ghost whispered, "He's the minister ghost. He's so fat he can't walk on his own two feet. In the entire country there is no other public servant equal to him in merit. Whenever he delivers his eloquent speeches, people simply stare at his face in complete astonishment. Now, let's see what the minister and secretary have to say. The secretary ghost was saying, "But if I appoint your nephew instead of the suitable candidate won't there be considerable opposition? I'm concerned that some of your enemies may ridicule you in the assembly. I'm nothing but your obedient servant. Let my reputation be damaged. If yours is damaged, however, I shall be deeply grieved." "Let your reputation go to hell!" exclaimed the minister ghost. "The day I was elected minister all the ghosts of the country knew that I would make my fortune. Just see how eager the opposition is to do the same. Exploit and extract as much as you can while you can. The period is very limited." The secretary ghost replied, "I humbly accept your order, but don't you think that the other members of the selection board will be angered?" "Don't worry about that," said the minister. "I have already solved that problem. I told the Brahmadotyia8 secretary that if he is unable to do this much for me, I'll expose him for having amassed a small fortune for himself in another person's name. I also told my private secretary that if he makes the least objection the various illicit businesses he has also been running will no longer remain secret." 8. Brahmadotyia: When the upper caste Brahmins fall from the recognised code of conduct, they, according to popular folklore, become lower-caste ghosts in the next life. These are the Brahmadotyias. The secretary ghost listened to everything and said, "I will carry out your every order. But I'm a little worried about the reaction of the press." The minister ghost said, "Don't worry about that, my dear. I've already dealt with them." The chief ghost said to Tarun, "Yes, my friend, this is the Kingdom of Hypocrisy." Tarun and the chief ghost went to the minister's residence in his car. An eminent reporter ghost was waiting in the drawing room. The minister ghost greeted him, asking, "What's the matter? Has a secret leaked out?" The reporter ghost replied, "You know very well that the paper is my only source of income. I have lavished you with praise, haven't I? I propose that there be more advertisements in the paper: my workers haven't been paid for three months now." "Why's that? said the minister ghost. "We've been paying your dues month after month. When you were criticising us so bitterly we paid you handsomely to keep you quiet. Since that time you've been praising us and have been enjoying a regular monthly allowance, haven't you?" The reporter closed his eyes and smiled. He replied, "Sir, you've been giving me money for my personal use, but the paper is a commercial concern." "All right, all right," agreed the minister, "the advertising quota will be slightly increased. Are you going to your office now?" "No," replied the reporter ghost. "A great sage of the ghost society has taken shelter under a banyan tree outside the town. Mrs. Petni9 has been requesting me for some days to take her to see him. So, I'm thinking of paying him a visit." After the reporter ghost had left, Tarun and the chief ghost kept a vigilant watch on the activities of the minister ghost. After some time another minister rushed in. His name was Bhutananda Singh.10 Singhji came in and sat on the sofa with a thud and said to the minister ghost, "My dear Mr. Bhutanarayan Sharma,11 you have been dreaming of winning the election while sitting in your room. Haven't you seen how gloomy life is out there? How can you win? The famine is widespread. Will the opposition party miss such a golden opportunity for their campaign?" The minister, Shriijukta Bhutanarayan Sharma replied, "Why are you so worried? We've been bribing the reporters month after month. Have we done that only to face defeat?" Mr. Bhutananda Singh replied, "Sir, the reporters can do nothing unless we establish a good relationship with the public. We must make extensive public contacts." 9. Petni: Female ghost. 10. Bhutananda Singh: 'Singh" is the title of the warrior class in the state of Bihar in India. 'Bhut' means 'ghost' and 'ananda' has been added to satirically give some dignity to the name. 11. Bhutanarayan Sharma: 'Sharma' is a common surname in Bihar. 'Bhutanarayan' literally means 'Lord of the ghosts.' The ministers were talking over their meal. Tarun was surprised to see that they were eating far more than the ordinary ghosts. Their menu was altogether different from that of the common ghosts who had to chew dry bones and lick the salty earth. The ministers, however, ate delicacies such as cricket curry a la creme, roasted kite and roasted royal vulture.12 Just then some visitors wearing punjabi kurthas13 and holding note-books came to see the ministers. They had sunken eyes. Bhutanarayanji said, "Sir, perhaps this is our chance to contact the public." He then turned to the boys and said, "What do you want?" One of them, a smart looking young man, stepped forward. "We are organising a variety show, sir, and humbly request your co-operation." That said, he placed his donation book in front of the minister. Each minister took out a large note from his pocket and said, "We are here to serve you. Please tell us how we may help." The boys replied, "We would like the pride of the Kingdom of Ghosts, Shrijukta14 Bhutanarayan Sharma, to preside over our programme, and the strongest man in the Kingdom, Shriijukta Bhutananda Singh to be the chief guest. Please don't refuse our invitation, sir S. We'll be bitterly disappointed if you don't attend." 12. Royal vulture: Royal chicken is a dish of chickens which have eaten many other chickens. These ghosts, however, are happier eating 'royal vulture', that is a vulture which has feasted on numerous other vultures. 13. Punjabi kurthas: collarless shirts. 14. Shriijukta: The equivalent of 'Mr.' "You see, we are rather busy," said the minister ghosts. "But if you insist, we must go. After all, we are your servants. May we know where your meeting will be held?" The group of boys replied feebly, "In the cremation ground." The minister, said, "But an epidemic has broken out there. Our opponents are saying that people are starving to death in that place. Of course, we are protesting daily against this officially." The boys said, "Sir, we are holding the variety show there for that very reason. We want to portray the epidemic through song, dance, drama and recitation. The whole thing will be quite realistic, sir, especially the dance of the skeletons which will be simply marvelous." The ministers reached the cremation ground in time to keep their promise. Master Kandhaka'ta',15 aged 12, and Miss Petni, aged 14, pleased everyone with their delightful performance. The ministers lavished them with praise and said that, considering the present condition of the Kingdom of Ghosts, such cultural programmes were badly needed. They claimed that the original culture of the Kingdom of Ghosts was being destroyed by foreign influences. The ministers were exulted to see that the younger generation had started working enthusiastically to counteract this trend. The foreigners alleged that the beneficial application of science as well as economic development were required to fight famine and epidemics. What they failed to realise, explained the ministers, was that art could not survive without the existence of such calamities. Art is dependent on these calamities; its very effectiveness is in their portrayal. 15. Kandhaka'ta': A headless ghost. The ghosts were very happy to hear such words from the ministers. The ministers said, "We will be very busy during the forthcoming election, but if we win, by your grace, we shall immediately start a ghost culture club financed entirely by the government. If possible, we shall also set up a ghost university in the cremation ground." After the speech, Shriijukta Bhutananda Singh whispered something in the ear of Shriijukta Bhutanarayan Sharma and they decided to visit the Great Sage to have their fate told by him. Tarun and the chief ghost followed them to the sage's abode. The holy man's full name was: 108 X Shrii Shrii Paramahansa Bhutananda Maharaja Paribrajakacarya16!!!!!!! Or, 'Bhutananda Maharaja', for short. 16. 108 X Shrii Shrii Paramahansa Bhutananda Maharaja Paribrajakacarya: This name contains all the glorious epithets attributed to a religious personality. Taking the dust from the His Holinesses feet, the minister said, "You are the last refuge of the unfortunate. In every age you have incarnated yourself to broaden the path to Hell by showering bliss on common mortals like us. Your Holiness, we are your loyal servants. Please bestow your grace upon us." Bhutanandaji was observing silence during the day, and so the ministers had to wait until evening for his reply. After breaking his silence, Bhutanandaji inquired, "Have you come to ask if you're going to win the election? Dear boys, if you launch a good propaganda campaign you will certainly be successful." He further inquired, "Have you got the support of many rich people?" "Yes we have, Your Holiness," replied the ministers, "but we don't have much faith in them." Bhutanandaji advised, "Look here, don't upset them in any way this time because they are your main hope. Don't put too much pressure on them to pay unpaid bills, income-tax, sales-tax and other taxes. Oh, one more thing, have you given them ample scope for black marketeering?" "Yes, Your Holiness," replied the ministers. "We have made the seven-year plans in such a way that they, as contractors, will be able to extract the lion's share of the money invested by the government. Moreover, we have not put the responsibility for these projects in the hands of the learned experts, but have given it to people selected by ourselves whether they know anything about planning or not." Bhutanandaji said, "What is the gist of your psychological propaganda among the chief ghosts?" The minister ghosts replied, "We have told them that as the Kingdom of Ghosts is still in its infancy we must all labour hard to build it up. They will not make any demands for food and lodging at present as we have made them understand that to do so would have an adverse effect on the ghost culture. Anyone who has the least sympathy for the ghost culture will not make such petty demands at this critical juncture." Bhutanandaji said, "Very good, very good. Well said, well said. Have you modelled the education system along ghost lines?" "Yes, Your Holiness, we have accomplished that work with all sincerity. We have published a lot of cheap literature and already selected the books for our schools and colleges. Moreover, we have been regularly using the radio to popularise ghost literature. We have been liberally conferring the title 'Bhutashrii'17 on the eminent ghost- writers. We have even bestowed this title on one or two prominent capitalists who are our most resourceful patrons." Bhutanandaji said, "That's a very good idea. Don't lose those resourceful clients; they are your prestige, your future welfare. They will give you prestige And a secure future too. With their help Wealth and property is assured. 17. Bhutashrii: Literally, 'the best of the ghosts.' "Your Holiness," said the minister ghosts, "we'll follow your mandate to the letter." "My dear boys," replied His Holiness, "your victory is thus assured. One more thing: make sure that you never try to grab the property of the monks and the monasteries. If ever you do, you'll be reduced to ashes." The minister ghosts twisted their ears and stuck out their tongues, saying, "We wouldn't dream of such a thing. How could you entertain such an idea? Your Holiness, we are but your humble servants." Saying this, the ministers departed. The next day, at the crack of dawn, Tarun and the chief ghost saw Bhutananda Maharaja sitting in the middle of a group of disciples. The holy fire was burning in front of him. Crowds of followers were coming from nearby villages. They brought thousands of varieties of fruits, nuts and other delicacies as well as various narcotics such as marijuana, opium and hashish. Bhutanandaji was chanting the 'bhuta' mantra with closed eyes which he half opened from time to time to study the sumptuous fruits and delicacies. He always observed a vow of silence during the day in case a disciple would ask him a difficult question. In this way he avoided embarrassing situations. That evening, after the crowd of followers had dispersed, he called two of his most trusted disciples, Swami Shriiga'la'nanda18 and Swami Markatananda,19 and said, "Listen.....Mr. Jutiram Dawala Chad Thakthakia20 or Abakanagar21 and Mr. Besharam Lal Ghushkila'o Phatphatia22 from Ajabnagar23 have amassed huge amounts of money by black marketeering. Instead of increasing their bank balance or investing in more property, they have chosen to make ornaments in pure gold. We must lay our hands on those ornaments by any means. "Your Holiness," they replied, "that's a difficult task." His Holiness snapped angrily, "Then what's the use of all the training I have given you if you are afraid of such a trifle as this?" "We beg your pardon, Your Holiness," they said. "We'll carry out your every command." 18. Swami Shriiglananda: 'Swami' means 'holy man'; 'shriigala' means 'jackal' and 'ananda' has been added to give a more dignified touch to the name. 19. Swami Markatananda: 'Markata' means 'black-faced monkey.' 20. Mr. Jutiram Diwala Chad Thakthakiya: The first three names are commonly used by the Marwari community of the state of Rajasthan. 'Thakthakia' means 'one who cheats others.' 21. Abaknagar: Literally, 'the place which makes one speechless." 22. Mr. Besharam Lal Ghushkilao Phatphatia: 'Ghuskilao' means 'one adept in the art of bribing' and a 'Phatphatia' is one who 'gets quick results.' 23. Ajabnagar: An 'unusual place'. His Holiness said, "Listen.....Take some pure gold and go and visit the Thakthakiyas and Phatphatias. Tell them you know the magic word for doubling gold. You can be assured that they will give you a small amount of gold just to test you. You should mix that gold with your gold and show that it has doubled in size. If you do this a number of times they will begin to have faith in you. You should always remember that such deceitful businessmen generally become very greedy and stupid. Within a few days they will be fully convinced and will lay all their ornaments in front of you. Then, simply run away with the bounty." The disciples asked, "Where shall we go with the gold?" His Holiness, the Maharaja said, "Tell me, where do you think you should go?" "We shall come here," they replied, "and place all the ornaments at your holy feet." Said His Holiness, "Have you gone mad? If you do that the police will also demand a share. Once you get the gold you must go straight to Mr. Batparam Bankelal Gujgujia's 24 shop. Sell him the ornaments at a price less than their market value. Then, take the money -- don't accept a cheque -- and come back here immediately." The disciples said, "As you command, Your Holiness." 24. Mr. Batparam Bankelal Gujgujia: 'Batparam' means 'a cheat.' Bankelal is another name for Lord Krishna and Gujgujia is 'one who bribes others quickly without others knowing.' They left in the late evening. That day some of the devotees gave His Holiness a number of malpo sweets25 made of condensed milk. To prevent his disciples from casting greedy glances at the sweets, Bhutanandaji had kept them hidden behind him. After moving around the whole day, Tarun and the chief ghost were completely exhausted and ravenously hungry. That's why it didn't take them more than 10 or 15 minutes to make the best use of those malpos sitting behind Bhutanandaji! After sending his disciples to double the gold, Bhutanandaji suddenly remembered the malpos. However, just then another householder disciple arrived. His Holiness was considerably annoyed and glared at the newcomer. "Your Holiness," said the disciple, "you are truly a great ghost. It's no ordinary matter to remain without food for days together." Bhutanandaji's face beamed with joy. Another disciple looked at the householder and said, "Do you think His Holiness is like any ordinary ghost and will simply waste his time eating? He spends his whole time in spiritual meditation. He may give up his life and go to Hell any day; an excellent garden house has already been reserved for him there. The other day the God of Death himself appeared and entreated His Holiness to accompany him. However, His Holiness declined the invitation saying that he has no time to go and rest in Hell. Rather, he wishes to continue selflessly serving us ghosts for some time more." 25. Malpo sweets: Delicious sweets made of milk, rice-flour and sugar. The family devotee exclaimed, "Yes, it is only due to His Holinesses grace that we are able to survive. Could His Holiness find joy in Hell, leaving us here on Earth?" He continued, "There are so many wild fruits and roots and other edible things here. Won't His Holiness even eat those?" "No," replied the disciples. "His Holiness only eats air. Today is a fasting day26 so he won't even eat that. He observes a waterless fast and that's why he won't even take air." After some time, the householder devotee left. Then His Holiness turned around in search of the malpo sweets. He was amazed to see that there was nothing there. The sweets were missing. His Holiness was beside himself with anger. "Hey you fellows, who ate the malpos? Don't you know they were meant for me? Who ate them? Vomit them out immediately. I won't spare you until I've eaten those malpos!!!" The disciples said, trembling, "Believe us, Your Holiness, we didn't eat them. We swear by touching bones, we promise by touching cow-dung, we pledge by touching dead bodies that neither did we eat them nor did we allow a cow ghost or a cat ghost or even an ant ghost to touch them. It is really a strange thing, Your Holiness." 26. A fasting day: This is known as 'Ekadashii' in Sam'skrit. It is the 11th day after the new and full moon when people usually fast. His Holiness roared, "I don't want to hear these things; I know you have eaten them. Vomit them out! I shall eat them." There ensued a big scuffle between His Holiness and his disciples. An initial shouting match became a bloody battle. The police, on being informed, rushed to the spot. They arrested both sides and dragged them to the police station. Tarun put the lemon lozenge between his lips and teeth so that he and the chief ghost could accompany them. After giving some hefty tips Bhutanandaji and his disciples were freed and allowed to return home. His Holiness, however, stayed at the police station to try and persuade the sub-inspector ghost that the ministers Bhutananda Singh and Bhutanarayan Sharma were his followers. It would therefore be improper for the sub-inspector ghost to accept a bribe from him. Anyway, the sub-inspector didn't believe him and he was only released after giving the bribe. When he returned to the banyan tree his disciples apologised. His Holiness said, "Let bygones be bygones. Let us now engage ourselves in ghost meditation." The next day saw an increase in the rush of devotees to Bhutanandaji's ashram. They were all saying, "It is by His Holinesses grace that we were released from jail." His Holiness said, "My children, I'm delighted to see that you have developed the capacity to protect the ghost culture." That day the crowd of smugglers was larger than on other occasions. In order to give them some befitting advice His Holiness decided not to observe his usual vow of silence that day. The smugglers, on receiving suitable instructions paid their dues and started to leave. Just then the sub- inspector ghost came running in. "What's the matter?" asked His Holiness. "Why are you gasping for breath?" "Your Holiness," he replied, "yesterday I made a serious mistake. Last night when you told me that the minister ghosts are also your disciples I didn't believe you. Please take back the amount you gave. Had I known earlier I wouldn't have accepted anything." By the time the followers had left it was already evening. Bhutananda Maharaja had another desire to secretly eat malpo sweets. However, when he remembered that they had all vanished, he was totally upset and flew into another rage. His disciple ghosts were again benumbed with fear. The police were called to start an immediate investigation. It was already quite late and if they delayed the sweets would never be found. His Holiness was a staunch supporter of the government. Therefore the ministers also became very active. With a great show of strength the highest ranking officer down to the petty constable started ransacking and looting. They started their raid by entering the kitchens of the female ghosts. The police, who normally showed no interest at in apprehending the real thieves, rogues, bribetakers and smugglers became so active that the sea-girt earth started trembling. Male and female ghosts were arrested in large numbers. Many of them were beaten with sticks to get a forced confession that they had eaten the malpo sweets. No-one, however, would confess to such a downright falsehood. Even those people in whose houses flour, sugar and milk were found were also arrested. It was claimed that they had used some scientific process to extract the ingredients from the sweets. Those who hadn't voted for the government were thrown into jail on some pretext or other. Those who secretly promised to vote for the government in the coming election, however, were set free. Tarun asked the chief ghost, "Are these things I'm seeing actually happening, brother?" The chief ghost replied, "Have you again forgotten the name of the kingdom?" "No, brother," said Tarun, "I haven't forgotten the name. But the question is will you people ever be able to lead honourable lives if this continues?" The chief ghost replied, "We lost our honour long ago. Now the question is how to survive. We also have some doubts in our minds whether we are alive or not. That is, are we living ghosts or dead ghosts?" Tarun said, "Such things cannot be tolerated for long. Come on, brother, let's go somewhere else." "Yes, let's go," said the chief ghost. After walking a little way they saw a huge crowd. They discovered that a certain ghost had died of prolonged starvation. Tarun saw that about one thousand young people had gathered around the dead body carrying different coloured posters, festoons and leaflets. "What's going on?" asked the chief ghost. The crowd of ghosts replied, "Nothing extraordinary. Such things happen all the time in this kingdom. That man died of starvation. "We don't want to hear any more of the governments "official statements." We propose that since it is a government of the ghosts for the ghosts and by the ghosts it will have to take the responsibility of cremating the dead body. We are just about to start a demonstration to force the government to acknowledge our demands. You may also join us." The chief ghost was about to reply when a rather domineering leader ghost reached the scene. On inquiry it was discovered that he was an important member of the ghost parliament, that is, he was an M.P. The M.P. Ghost quickly climbed to the top of a Siamese rough bush and delivered a spirited lecture: "Dear friends. We are all fellow ghosts, citizens of the Independent Republic of Ghosts. After much toil we have just built the foundations of the Republic. At present, it would not be wise, therefore, to waste our time holding meetings and processions to unduly embarrass the state machinery. Rather, we should follow the traditions which we have inherited from the former great leaders of the ghost society. We should never do anything in the excitement of the moment which may harm our ghost culture. Dear friends, you must surely be aware that our neighbouring states, the Kingdom of the Mamdos (evil spirits) and the Kingdom of the Pishach (vampires) are encroaching on our territory. I am sure you will agree that the Mamdos are terrible enemies. It is said in the scriptures: BHUTANAM' MAMDONAM' SHATASHTENA DURAM' TYAJET27 That is, the Mamdos are the most dangerous of all the ghosts. You should always stay at least 50 yards away from them. A dead Mamdo even murders others by rising from the grave. "Dear friends! We are divided into seven hundred and fifty different caste groups whereas the Mamdos don't have any caste distinctions at all. They all sit together for their feasts. A Mamdo can suck the blood of any ghost of any caste at any time of day or night, even on a cold winter's night, because they don't follow the basic principles of casteism. They don't need to take a purifying bath in the river Ganges after touching a member of a lower caste. 27. BHUTANAM' MAMDONAM' SHATASHTENA DURAM' TYAJET. 'You should stay at least 50 yards from the Mamdo class of ghost.' "Dear friends! We must prepare ourselves to fight these Mamdos. Therefore, instead of quarrelling splitting up into different factions, or staging demonstrations, we must prepare ourselves according to the dictates of our ancient customs. Let us not forget our age-old traditions. Now, let us all sit in Bhutasana28 close our eyes, and with a garland of bones in our hands chant the non-violent Bhutanam mantra.29" The assembled ghosts were moved by his eloquent speech, and were totally convinced. The M.P. encouraged by the response, continued: "Dear friends! The demands you have raised today are just. It is my duty, as your obedient servant, to convey these demands to parliament. It is true that the State is duty-bound to cremate each dead body in the Republic of Ghosts. I request you to return home with an undisturbed mind. After just one month the July sitting of parliament will convene. At that time I shall raise a hue and cry about the issue. I shall also hold a secret parley with the opposition members. I expect to get the dead body cremated quickly, within the next three months at least, with my best efforts." Tarun said, "Dear friend, what are these things I'm hearing?" The chief ghost replied: "We've been hearing such things day and night." 28. Bhutasana: The prayer posture prescribed for the ghosts. 29. Bhutanam mantra: The mantra or holy word for the ghosts. Tarun said, "I feel almost suffocated, dear friend. Please take me back to the Kingdom of Light." Suddenly Tarun felt a blow on the back of his head and saw his friend Barun30 standing beside him. Barun asked, "What happened to you? You went out for a walk last night but never returned. At midnight your family came out in search of you. When I heard the news I also joined them. I thought, 'Tarun is such a daredevil; he's probably gone to have a walk along the banks of the Blue Sea.' That's why I came here. Now I see that you are enjoying a sleep on the sandy shore." "I wasn't merely sleeping," said Tarun. "I went to a dark kingdom in my dreams." Barun said, "You may have gone somewhere in your dreams, but now you are back in the Kingdom of Light. Look, the eastern horizon is reddening with the glow of the morning sun. How can you keep sleeping? Come on, let's hurry back home." Tarun looked at the eastern sky flooded with crimson light and said, "Victory to the Kingdom of Light." 30. Barun means, "God of water."